Self-Love Edition

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What is Self-Love?

Self-Love: love of self: such as
a: an appreciation of one's own worth or virtue;
b: proper regard for and attention to one's own happiness or well-being

Self-love is not simply a state of feeling good. It is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love is dynamic; it grows through actions that mature us. When we act in ways that expand self-love in us, we begin to accept much better our weaknesses as well as our strengths, have less need to explain away our short-comings, have compassion for ourselves as human beings struggling to find personal meaning, are more centered in our life purpose and values, and expect living fulfillment through our own efforts.

The significance of self-love holds relevance in today’s fast paced life. Yet, for many individuals, this journey stops at the physical – getting a massage to feel good, indulging in skin-care, or spoiling oneself with a shopping spree.

If the focus of self-love is on the physical body, you may get caught in the web of complexes that physical existence weaves around you. On the other hand, when you love your inner self, you set yourself free from all complexes attached to the physical existence.

Why should you practice Self-Love?

The short answer is – to grow, to evolve, to expand who you are, and to ultimately reach a point where you are able to worship the divinity within you.

It is important to qualify here that the intent is not about loving yourself romantically, frivolously or vainly, but learning to accept, respect and revere yourself.

Without self-love, you’re likely to be highly self-critical and fall into people-pleasing and perfectionism. You’re more likely to tolerate abuse or mistreatment from others. You may neglect your own needs and feelings because you don’t value yourself. And you may self-sabotage or make decisions that aren’t in your own best interest.

Self-love is the foundation that allows us to be assertive, set boundaries and create healthy relationships with others, practice self-care, pursue our interests and goals, and feel proud of who we are.

What Self-Love means for Self

Loving one’s self does not mean developing a shell and blocking out the world. It doesn’t mean having an ego so big that no one else can fit into a room with you. It doesn’t mean forgoing relationships because you only enjoy being with yourself. And, while it may be tempting for many, it doesn’t mean you should only have pets for the rest of your life.

It does mean becoming comfortable with who you are. It means recognizing that someone else who didn’t learn unconditional love has a hard time giving it. It means recognizing that most human beings hurt, and they pass this hurt along to other people. Understanding this can help you turn your attention from waiting and wanting someone to make you whole, to realizing you have that ability inside of you.

Misconception of Self-Love

In addition to questioning whether self-love is really necessary, another big barrier to self-love is the belief that it’s narcissistic or selfish.

When psychologists and therapists encourage self-love, they aren’t talking about putting yourself on a pedestal above everyone else. Narcissists believe they’re better than others and won’t acknowledge or take responsibility for their mistakes and flaws. They seek extraneous amounts of external validation and recognition. Narcissists also lack empathy for others.

Self-love, on the other hand, isn’t about showing off how great you are. People who love themselves in a healthy way know that they are flawed and make mistakes – and they accept and care about themselves despite their imperfections. Self-love doesn’t prevent you from caring about others; it simply means you can give yourself the same kindness that you give to others.

What does Self-Love look like?

The following are examples of what self-love can look like in action.

  • Saying positive things to yourself

  • Forgiving yourself when you mess up

  • Meeting your own needs

  • Being assertive

  • Not letting others take advantage of or abuse you

  • Prioritizing your health and well-being

  • Spending time around people who support you and build you up (and avoiding people who don’t)

  • Asking for help

  • Letting go of grudges or anger that holds you back

  • Recognizing your strengths

  • Valuing your feelings

  • Making healthy choices most of the time

  • Living in accordance with your values

  • Pursuing your interests and goals

  • Challenging yourself

  • Holding yourself accountable

  • Giving yourself healthy treats

  • Accepting your imperfections

  • Setting realistic expectations

  • Noticing your progress and effort

7-Step Prescription for Self-Love

Become mindful. 
People who have more self-love tend to know what they think, feel, and want. They are mindful of who they are and act on this knowledge, rather than on what others want for them.

Act on what you need rather than what you want. 
You love yourself when you can turn away from something that feels good and exciting to what you need to stay strong, centered, and moving forward in your life, instead. By staying focused on what you need, you turn away from automatic behavior patterns that get you into trouble, keep you stuck in the past, and lessen self-love.

Practice good self-care. 
You will love yourself more, when you take better care of your basic needs. People high in self-love nourish themselves daily through healthy activities, like sound nutrition, exercise, proper sleep, intimacy and healthy social interactions.

Set boundaries. 
You'll love yourself more when you set limits or say no to work, love, or activities that deplete or harm you physically, emotionally and spiritually, or express poorly who you are.

Protect yourself. 
Bring the right people into your life. The term “frenemies” describes so well the type of "friends" who take pleasure in your pain and loss rather than in your happiness and success. Get rid of them! There isn't enough time in your life to waste on people who want to take away the shine on your face that says, "I genuinely love myself and life." You will love and respect yourself more.

Forgive yourself. 
We humans can be so hard on ourselves. The downside of taking responsibility for our actions is punishing ourselves too much for mistakes in learning and growing. You have to accept your humanness (the fact that you are not perfect), before you can truly love yourself. Practice being less hard on yourself when you make a mistake. Remember, there are no failures, if you have learned and grown from your mistakes; there are only lessons learned.

Live intentionally. 
You will accept and love yourself more, whatever is happening in your life, when you live with purpose and design. Your purpose doesn't have to be crystal clear to you. If your intention is to live a meaningful and healthy life, you will make decisions that support this intention, and feel good about yourself when you succeed in this purpose. You will love yourself more if you see yourself accomplishing what you set out to do. You need to establish your living intentions, to do this.

If you choose just one or two of these self-love actions to work on, you will begin to accept and love yourself more. The more self-love you have for yourself, the better prepared you are for healthy relating. Even more, you will start to attract people and circumstances to you that support your well-being.