Bros Over Hoes, Bro
/"Guy Code” refers to the code of rules and regulations by which a man lives his life. These rules can be as simple as the protocol on taking the last beer in the fridge, to the complex intricacies of dating a buddy’s ex (Ruling: never).
#1 Your sister’s friend is off limits. Unless you plan on marrying her, under no circumstances can you try to get with your friend’s sister.
#2 If your friend’s girlfriend asks you any questions, you deny knowing anything. You don’t know where he is, what he said, where he went.
#3 You must greet your friend appropriately. This means:
A hug cannot come before a handshake.
A hug must be accompanied with a pat on the back.
No high fives or fist bumps. Ever. This isn’t Jersey Shore.
#4 You must inform him if he is dressed horribly. Unless you’re also wearing the same outfit, then rock it together.
#5 Avoid uncomfortable urinal confrontations. A man shall not take the urinal beside another man. You must leave at least one empty urinal in between each other. In addition, do not use the short urinal nor make noises while shaking yourself dry. It’s weird.
#6 Unless your friend murdered someone, you bail them out of jail. You go to the bank, collect all your pennies and hand them over to the police. Point is, if in jail, you pay the bail.
#7 If your drunk friend is about to cheat on his girlfriend, you must follow through with one intervention. Make him aware of the choice he is about to make. If he replies with “f*ck you,” then you are free from any responsibility from that time onward. You are then also no longer obligated to listen to him talk about it the next day.
#8 Never speak about it again rule. If you accidentally graze or touch another man below the waist, it’s already agreed upon as an accident and there will be no mention of it ever.
#9 A bet is a bet. If a bet is made, no matter what, the loser must follow through with his obligations to carry out his side of the bet. This includes doing embarrassing acts or monetary compensation. If he refuses to pay or carry out the duties, you must settle upon an agreement.
#10 Wingman duties. If you have a girlfriend and go out to the club with your friends, you are automatically given the job as wingman. From there on out, you must support your friends until they achieve their ultimate goal, whatever that may be *as long as it’s consensual*.
#11 Speedos are out. Unless you are Michael Phelps, you are prohibited from wearing a speedo.
#12 Respect another man’s boundary. Every guy has his own personal line. Understand where their line is and do not pass that line. If you don’t like where the line is, avoid hanging out with this guy.
#13 Internet buffer. If something tragic happens to your friend, the first thing you must do is delete their internet history.
#14 Don’t brag about how many girls you’ve slept with. Sure, it’s probably an impressive number, but no one cares and you look like an asshole. Don’t be that asshole.
#15 Pranking your friends is seen as bonding. If you decide to engage in pranking, make sure that these three things will not happen:
Will not result in a trip to the ER.
Will not result with you stealing their phone.
Will not result in you or him being in financial debt.
#16 Do not ditch your friends for a girl. Unless, this is the girl you’ve been talking about for weeks and everyone is aware of how badly you want her. If she’s some girl you met this morning at the Starbucks line and she seems “okay,” you can see her tomorrow.
#17 Don’t let your friend drive home wasted. Dish out the money for a cab, and hand him the receipt the next morning.
#18 Back up your friend. If your friend gets into a fight and you’re unable to calm the situation, back your friend. Even if he’s wrong and an idiot, he’s your idiot.
#19 Don’t give another man advice on working out unless he asks you. He realizes he has small arms, he has a mirror. Giving out unsolicited advice makes you sound like an asshole.
#20 Best man, best stripper. If given the title of best man at your friend’s wedding, you’re entitled with the duty of preparing the bachelor party. This means, regardless of what he says, you must provide him with a stripper.
#21 You must own at least one suit. This can be worn to weddings, funerals, graduations, special dates. Plus, you’ll look hot.
#22 If you ask a girl on a date, then you’re supposed to pay. If it was a mutual decision, then you can go dutch on the bill.
#23 Never talk down or insult your friends to a woman. Never say anything negative about one of your friends to a woman. And by women we mean all women including, but not limited to, the following:
Your girlfriend
Their girlfriend
Their ex-girlfriend(s)
Your mother
Some lady you work with
Any woman
#24 NEVER LET YOUR BRO (OR YOURSELF) SACRIFICE DIGNITY FOR A GIRL
Always be a strong, dominant man who lives his life on his own terms. Never lose your dignity. And never let your bro do so either.
#25 NEVER HIT ON A BRO’S GIRLFRIEND
Hitting on your friend’s lady is just bad form. Your boy is trusting you when he introduces his girlfriend to his friends. Be nice, be playful, include her in the group, but don’t flirt with her or get overtly sexual. Be a good friend.
However, this rule doesn't necessarily apply to girls that your bro has "dibs" on, whom he hasn’t actually taken to bed. I know some guys like to "reserve" girls for their own flirting pleasure, when some other guys are more suited or able to bed them. It's really up to the kind of relationship you have with your friends.
#26 NEVER HOOK UP WITH OR DATE A BRO’S EX-GIRLFRIEND (WITHOUT PERMISSION)
In general, much trouble can be avoided by simply asking.It’s good etiquette, and it’s a sign of respect. So just ask.
#27 ALWAYS TELL YOUR BRO IF HIS GIRL CHEATS ON HIM
It’s your responsibility to tell your bro if ever you find out that his girl is cheating on him. If you find yourself in possession of such delicate information, handle the situation carefully. But do be sure to handle it. Similarly, if your friend is deciding to get serious with a girl, It’s your responsibility to give your honest opinion about her. That’s not to say that you need to trash her if you don’t approve, but do tell him if you don’t think they are a good fit for X reasons. But if you think she’s a keeper, tell him that as well!
The bro code is all about honesty and loyalty among men.
#28 NEVER SHAME YOUR BRO FOR HOOKING UP WITH A GIRL YOU DON’T FIND ATTRACTIVE
#29 NEVER SHAME YOUR BRO FOR GETTING REJECTED
Don’t be that guy. You should be your bro’s biggest fan. You should say things like: “It happens man. She’s just a girl, and there a million of them like her. Shrug it off and find another one. Look, there are some cute girls sitting on those couches.”
Always build your bro up.
#30 ALWAYS HELP YOUR BRO GET BETTER WITH GIRLS
Unless your bro is George Clooney, it is your responsibility to do what you can to make sure that he is constantly improving his game -- especially if he's a beginner.
So save your bro the pain and give him the nudge. Just tell him to go up to her and talk to her. No matter what the outcome is, he’ll be happy that he won’t have to regret it later or wonder if it could have led to something.
#31 BE A MAN
To be a man:
You must be swift as a coursing river
With all the force of a great typhoon
With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon
And, finally… needless to say...
#32 BROS OVER HOES
Always.